You don’t understand!! My exasperated daughter shouted as she stormed off. Her feet thudding heavily down the hall, quickly followed by the SLAM! of her bedroom door.
I’ve been walking this unnesting journey for many years and I can still remember this moment, the first indicator that things were about to change.
This long-ago scene replayed in my mind as I sat with a friend, listening as she shared the heartache of her own door-slamming moment. Her daughter had recently turned 13 and my friend was wrestling with how to start conversations with her daughter, how to stay heart-connected with her.
My friend asked for insights. I shared three suggestions – ideas I’d gleaned from other moms.
THREE SECRET MOM TRICKS TO KEEP YOU HEART-CONNECTED WITH YOUR TEEN
1 – Learn When They Like to Talk
Our teens naturally desire greater independence from us, which often means they’re less willing to share much about their internal lives. Although this is a natural part of their becoming young adults, we still want to stay heart-connected with them.
How do you do that if they won’t talk to you?
My friend Mariah taught me that if we study our kids, they will teach us when they are most likely to talk. Some are chatty first thing in the morning, some like to talk right after school, and still others prefer to open up only after everyone is in bed.
The trick is to figure out how to position yourself to be on the receiving end of their chattiness.
For example, a friend recently shared how she used to make coffee early each morning during her daughter’s high school years. She knew her daughter was a chatty morning girl. Being up, coffee in hand, positioned my friend to be the happy recipient of all that chattiness.
My friend gave up a little sleep, but she gained valuable insight inter her daughter’s life through those early morning talks. She also earned her stripes as an influencer in her daughters life. What do I mean? Read on.
2 – Learn to Love Influence over Control
I attended a seminar recently where the speaker asked, “Would you rather have influence or control over your kids?”
If we’re honest, I think we’d all prefer to have control over our kid’s decisions and choices. But the thing is, we aren’t with them every minute of every day. So, what we really want is influence. We want our oh-so-wise words to ring in their heads, to be an influence over their decisions.
But how do you influence their decisions if they aren’t interested in your oh-so-wise words in the first place?
The speaker gave the illustration of a scale. On one side is influence and on the other, control. The more control we attempt to exert the less influence we have over our young adult children. If we want to become influential in our kids’ lives, we have to be willing to release control – slowly, prayerfully and in appropriate measure, taking into account your child’s age and maturity.
Learning to withhold your advice, unless it’s asked for, is another way to grow your influence. Our teenagers are walking around in completely new bodies with a crazy concoction of hormones flooding their brains. They’re sensitive and feel not quite themselves. So, our advice often sounds like criticism to them.
If you’ve positioned yourself well (see #1) and your teen is talking, sharing their life with you – listen thoughtfully. If you feel the need to give advice, don’t.
Ask a question instead: That’s sounds like a tough situation. What do you think you’re going to do?
This was a hard one for me. I desperately wanted to help my girls navigate these new situations well. But they really did not want my advice. So, what’s a mom to do?
3 – Pray for Opportunity
God taught me to pray always – to turn to Him in every hard moment, to ask Him for opportunity to speak into my teen’s life. I asked Him to put His words in my mouth (Isiah 51:16), words that would speak to their hearts. I asked Him to orchestrate circumstances, so that the words He’d given me could be shared as a natural part of the conversation.
And He did.
About 20% of the time.
I always thrilled in the moments when I could share what was on my heart. It was especially gratifying when I could see they received it well. But it was frustrating that I was not given an opportunity to speak on the other 80% of things I wanted to talk about.
Instead, God was teaching me to trust His sovereignty over their lives. And the curious thing is, the more I’ve come to trust Him, the fewer opportunities He’s given me to speak about the things weighing on my heart. But I trust Him. I may not always know what it is He is up to, but I trust Him. And you can trust Him with your kids too.
Ask Him to give you opportunity to speak into your kids lives.
Ask Him to prepare their hearts to receive His words.
And watch how He works, how He draws you into deeper relationship with Him. And as the storms rage, as they tend to do in the unnesting years, you’ll find you are standing solid on the Rock.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6
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